Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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