ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
