i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
