i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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