Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
