if i can run in heels then i can drive
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
