i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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