the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize