you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
