just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
