You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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