the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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