is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
a search helicopter?!
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
