I met the friendliest cop last night
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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