The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
