hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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