dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
