I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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