At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
