Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
