oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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