I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Is her dick bigger than yours?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
