can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
