a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
