So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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