Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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