Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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