You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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