I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
