i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
