Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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