I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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