Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
