It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
