at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
