Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
