he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
