then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
