I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
