At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
