apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
