I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
