hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
