I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
