Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
