filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
