I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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