I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
there is glitter all over my balls
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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