So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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