her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
