My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
