she woke up with a sticky ear
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
