Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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