Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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