it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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