Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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