Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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