I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize