All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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