see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
